Foodie Cats

I love that my cats love some of my favorite foods.  Reggie, for example, suddenly becomes a buttery whore for buttered popcorn, and will not hesitate to cut you from upper thigh to ankle to get at a freshly unwrapped, softened stick of butter whilst baking.

You're a fool to believe that I won't get on the table and lick the shit out of that dog's face.

He also loves anything else I'm eating, and if I offer him something I know he will hate, he tends to pretend to eat it out of spite, because how dare I know him better than he knows himself.  Peas with butter and salt? Lick off butter and salt, leave pea behind. Red Vines? Open hard plastic container with teeth (mine are aching just thinking about it), or carry off entire bag of red vines, only to lick them into oblivion and leave them matted to the carpet. And, like a sadistic fuck, he only chews the heads off of animal crackers, too.

What's yours is mine. Not the other way around.

Bitty, on the other hand, is a dainty little princess who has grown accustomed to her diet food (they were both gaining weight so fast on another food we had them on that it became clear that our fur babies were in need of a nutritional intervention); these small grey/brown little pellets of what has to taste of salty chicken balls. She will not take any food offered to her unless it is one of the following:

1. Cool whip or whipped cream
2. Baked! Sour cream and cheddar Lays (she will not eat a regular potato chip, or a full-fat version of sour cream and cheddar chip. Must. Be. Baked.)
3. Junk food cat treats: No organic or all natural here. She wants the junkiest, cheapest treats imaginable, and she prefers them crunchy, but will oblige with some of the soft ones, sometimes. Must be cheese flavored.
4. Plastic. Whether it's covering toilet paper, holding water bottles, or just a chunk on the floor, it must be tasted, and licked incessantly until one of us yells JESUS BITTY STOP LICKING THAT PLASTIC.

Please feed me oil in plastic form. It keeps me young and vib--*HACK HACK VOMIT* Vibrant.

5. Tissue paper. She prefers pink and orange. I guess FDC Yellow #40 reminds her too much of cheddar.
6. Curling ribbon. Hell, any ribbon. I cannot tell you how much "festive joy" I have pulled out of her ass, found dried up in her poop, or yanked out of her throat as it travels into her gullet.
7. Parmesan cheese. Sometimes provolone, but absolutely NOT cheddar.
8. Salsa flavored SunChips. She does not care for the harvest cheddar variety.